Africa Memories...1st Addition

beautiful feet...oh, how they can dance!

singing is with every coming and going

more beautiful feet

me and my girls...one of my fav. moments
Scovia - is a girl I met at the festival we had. I sat with her and some other
girls on the grass for hours...just laughing and talking. They cackled when I tried to pronounce words in their language. I couldn't help but to laugh at myself as well. But there just seemed something special about Scovia, we connected. She was very shy, but had a big smile for me. :)

my delicious omelet and coffee...enjoyed almost every morning

typical morning...pineapple, omelet, coffee, and journaling :)
It was always a great time to look back over the last days events, memories and reminisce.
I wanted to be sure to journal everything, so I wouldn't forget...and so that someday my children would have something tangible of mine, that shows my love for Africa, my obedience to God, and my experience along the way.

Africa...is now a piece of me. A piece of my heart, my everyday thoughts. I have wanted to write about my trip for so long, but when I put my pen to paper...I am at a loss of what to write- where to start...I feel like no matter what I write, I can never express the depth of meaning it has for me. Its like trying to put into words something large, and beautiful, deep, and so amazing...but when you try you are dumbfounded with words...because there are none to describe it. SO i thought I would just try it this way...by sharing some memories and thoughts a little at a time. :)

The work of his hands

"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, -

anyone can have a whole and lasting life."

I just read this verse out of The Message, John chapter 3.

.Whole. is defined as:

Comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., Without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total. Containing all the elements properly belonging; complete. Undivided. Not broken, damaged, or impaired.


~~~~

I love when God brings his word to life. When it jumps off the page and speaks to me, penetrating my heart.

He knows us so well...

It reminds me of a carpenter's intricate work...He can imagine what the end result will look like, in all its splendor-- even before it has been finished, even while it lay on the table as a untouched log, EVEN THEN- he envisions the finished creation. He knows how to carve it...he carves according to its unique grain....chipping away all the unnecessary pieces, all that will get in the way. Carving is messy, shavings cover the floor. But the carpenter doesn't mind because he knows the process. He has done it many times before. He knows the tools to use. He knows when you carve that you always carve into the depth, not out. And that the key to masterful carving is having a sharp chisel and a smooth chisel; and that any contaminate on the surface of the chisel, will create resistance and cause a jagged or torn cut rather than smooth and concise. When the piece is near finished, he checks for loose tabs or frays around the edges. Then the oil is rubbed into every crevice. It is the best finish- it soaks into the surface, leaving a crisp carved line. Every inch of his creation has been passed through his hands, and when he is satisfied, when he feels it is truly at it's fullest splendor...

he. steps. back. and. admires.the. work. of. his. hands.

A Father

The man who got my mom pregnant has not been a part of my life since I was around 3 yrs old. I have just a few things I remember about him...he beat my mom, he went to bars, my brother was so terrified of him- that he had a very bad studder for a long time. My Mom finally left him when I was about 3, I think, and we had to go for visits a few times...I remember how much we did not want to go, we begged and pleaded to not go but it was court ordered...some lunatic judge had ordered us to go see the man who beat our Mom. It wasn't just him either, his sister also beat my mom. They actually beat her so badly once, that she had a miscarriage. So that is why I say some lunatic judge ordered it. Shortly after that, we never saw or heard from him again.

My Mom met a man named Jackie soon after. He was such a great guy. He was so kind and loving to her, he never yelled or beat her. About 5 years later they had a boy, and I became a big sister! Jackie became my Dad. He loved and treated me like I was HIS daughter. We were a family. By no means, a perfect family, but we were a family. My Mom and him fought often, and when they did, she would go in her room and lock the door. She would remain there for days, just stewing in her anger. She wouldn't even talk to us kids. I remember him packing his stuff to "take a break" for a few days, that happened every once in a while. But for the most part, they loved each other and remained together for almost 13 years. So he was definitely my dad, the only one I had ever really known. But when I was 16, a soon to be Sophomore in High school, he moved us down here to Wilmington from Dayton. His behavior became strange after that, and just a few days before Christmas...he left my Mom...but this time he did not come back...

My Mom went to see him several times and tried to beg him to come back...but he had left my Mom for another woman. Someone he met on his truck route. He came to pick up my younger brother and me a few times, we went to the house he shared with the 'new' woman. We were going to move in with him, but he was only able to get my brother into school, for reasons I am still unsure of today. And I never heard from him again...not one word.

The hurt and abandonment I felt was shattering. How could he just up and leave not only my Mom, but ME!? I was his daughter! He would call to talk to my brother Daren, who was by blood- his son...but he never asked to speak with me. I would even answer the phone sometimes, but he would just ask for my brother.

Since then, I have accepted Jesus in my life...he has brought forgiveness and healing in ways only He can do. God has brought many wonderful, godly men into my life to fill the place in my heart and life that has been missing since Jackie left. They have been truly incredible, they have loved me, encouraged me, and 2 of them even gave me away at my wedding...another married Daniel and I. I love those father figures so much, they hold a special place in my heart, and I am so grateful to God for placing these men in life, to ease what I lost.

But sometimes...I think about what it would be like to have my OWN daddy. I think about it and cannot fathom how Jackie could just walk away from me...his daughter. I cannot imagine abandoning my child. I have forgiven him, and I still even love him. Sometimes I consider picking up the phone and calling him. Sometimes I ask God to restore our relationship...I know he could do that...but I don't know if that will ever happen.

I see how my husband loves our children. He is such a great father! And that does make up for some it...but it just doesn't fill the void that is there. I know this void is a result of Jackie's sin and selfishness. I know God is the only one who can fill this emptiness...he is my Heavenly Daddy. But there are times when I long so deeply to have a earthly father figure. Sarah, is my wonderful beloved sister...but sometimes I am so jealous of her- because she has such a wonderful family, such a great dad AND mom. And I wonder, what is it about me? Don't I deserve to be loved that way? What would that be like?

I know the truth. I know I am a forerunner in my family who will break the cycle. I know my children will have all that I didn't,and more- because of what God has done in my life. I know all of this. I am not blaming God for what my Dad chose...I am simply just putting this out there...that I still long for a dad, (and a mom), who will love and support ME...



Maybe this is too much to put out there...but I just have to get it out of my heart- Out into the air. So there it is.

Dream

This is one of my favorite songs...its on my playlist below. You shoudl check it out. It is quite beautiful. I always imagine a girl walking through a meadow...running her fingers across the wildflowers and overgrown weeds. Just a whimsical song. Like I said...check it out :)

lyrics..

"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house
guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream

I'd Rather Be...

I'd rather be a would be,
If I cannot be an are
For a would be is a maybe,
Who is reaching for a star.

I'd rather be a has been,
Than a might have been by far,
'Cause a might have been has never been,
But a has been was once an are.


- Author Unknown

Read this somewhere and thought it was interesting :)

You wait...

The water trickles in from under the door
it slowly makes its way to my feet..
gently washes over them.

Before I know it -its up to my ankles...
As I confess my adoration to You
My heart is beaming with joy.

In my mind I picture myself
laying at your feet...
bowing down before you- my King.

Meanwhile..the water has crept up to my calves.
But I do not notice,
because I am enveloped in You.
All the world around me...
my kids playing, the tv blaring,
it all disappears, becomes silent.
Because just for a moment,
I am lost in you, I hear you speak to me.
Love sonnets and plans for a future.

Meanwhile, the water has reached my hips.
Still unaware, I proclaim your goodness...
Your faithfulness and kindness.
You sweep me away..
Your peace overtakes and casts out every worry,
every care- the weight is lifted and I'm free.

The water is nearly to my neck..
I suddenly realize it is going to overtake me..
I gasp for air, I'm afraid...
then I catch your glimpse again..
I relax, and release.
I'm free- remember!
You laugh, just like a father would
when you see your child realize she can swim
or ride her bike for the first time.

Fear is gone,
and I float and splash in my carelessness.
Your yoke is easy, and oh
the child-like joy you give to me!
You are living water, you satisfy the needs
in a sun-scorched land.

My eyes open, and here I am-
back at my computer...sitting in my chair...
The water appears gone.
My kids are plying for me, there are house duties to attend to-
and it's ok,
because you have satisfied my soul.

I can do all things.
I am a well watered garden, I am growing and flourishing again.
I get up from my chair -
but my feet leave water marks across the floor...
You never leave me or forsake me.
But You wait for me.
You wait for me to come back again...

Through the Storm

"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm." Job 1

Job- I keep coming back to you...I find myself clinging to your story. Clinging to the words God spoke to you.


swallowed up
suffering and pain-
surround me.
i am swallowed up.
my heart aches-
it groans within me.
longing to be
touched by You..
this overwhelming feeling
is like a tidal wave..
i'm riding this wave-
trying to keep my head
above the water.
my eyes scower the seas
for a life boat.
scower for a hand
to lift me out.
then i blink-
you descend.
you lift me out-
out of the violent waves,
out of the chaos.
bring me to dry land.
wrap me in a blanket
of peace and calmness.
you descended-
and saved me from the
wild seas within me.
you pat me dry
wipe my face
lift my head
stand me up
and send me off.
I am yours.
And you are mine.
You descended...
or so I thought....
You were protecting me,
surrounding me..
you were the clothes
on my skin.
The air I was breathing..
The life within me.