A Father

The man who got my mom pregnant has not been a part of my life since I was around 3 yrs old. I have just a few things I remember about him...he beat my mom, he went to bars, my brother was so terrified of him- that he had a very bad studder for a long time. My Mom finally left him when I was about 3, I think, and we had to go for visits a few times...I remember how much we did not want to go, we begged and pleaded to not go but it was court ordered...some lunatic judge had ordered us to go see the man who beat our Mom. It wasn't just him either, his sister also beat my mom. They actually beat her so badly once, that she had a miscarriage. So that is why I say some lunatic judge ordered it. Shortly after that, we never saw or heard from him again.

My Mom met a man named Jackie soon after. He was such a great guy. He was so kind and loving to her, he never yelled or beat her. About 5 years later they had a boy, and I became a big sister! Jackie became my Dad. He loved and treated me like I was HIS daughter. We were a family. By no means, a perfect family, but we were a family. My Mom and him fought often, and when they did, she would go in her room and lock the door. She would remain there for days, just stewing in her anger. She wouldn't even talk to us kids. I remember him packing his stuff to "take a break" for a few days, that happened every once in a while. But for the most part, they loved each other and remained together for almost 13 years. So he was definitely my dad, the only one I had ever really known. But when I was 16, a soon to be Sophomore in High school, he moved us down here to Wilmington from Dayton. His behavior became strange after that, and just a few days before Christmas...he left my Mom...but this time he did not come back...

My Mom went to see him several times and tried to beg him to come back...but he had left my Mom for another woman. Someone he met on his truck route. He came to pick up my younger brother and me a few times, we went to the house he shared with the 'new' woman. We were going to move in with him, but he was only able to get my brother into school, for reasons I am still unsure of today. And I never heard from him again...not one word.

The hurt and abandonment I felt was shattering. How could he just up and leave not only my Mom, but ME!? I was his daughter! He would call to talk to my brother Daren, who was by blood- his son...but he never asked to speak with me. I would even answer the phone sometimes, but he would just ask for my brother.

Since then, I have accepted Jesus in my life...he has brought forgiveness and healing in ways only He can do. God has brought many wonderful, godly men into my life to fill the place in my heart and life that has been missing since Jackie left. They have been truly incredible, they have loved me, encouraged me, and 2 of them even gave me away at my wedding...another married Daniel and I. I love those father figures so much, they hold a special place in my heart, and I am so grateful to God for placing these men in life, to ease what I lost.

But sometimes...I think about what it would be like to have my OWN daddy. I think about it and cannot fathom how Jackie could just walk away from me...his daughter. I cannot imagine abandoning my child. I have forgiven him, and I still even love him. Sometimes I consider picking up the phone and calling him. Sometimes I ask God to restore our relationship...I know he could do that...but I don't know if that will ever happen.

I see how my husband loves our children. He is such a great father! And that does make up for some it...but it just doesn't fill the void that is there. I know this void is a result of Jackie's sin and selfishness. I know God is the only one who can fill this emptiness...he is my Heavenly Daddy. But there are times when I long so deeply to have a earthly father figure. Sarah, is my wonderful beloved sister...but sometimes I am so jealous of her- because she has such a wonderful family, such a great dad AND mom. And I wonder, what is it about me? Don't I deserve to be loved that way? What would that be like?

I know the truth. I know I am a forerunner in my family who will break the cycle. I know my children will have all that I didn't,and more- because of what God has done in my life. I know all of this. I am not blaming God for what my Dad chose...I am simply just putting this out there...that I still long for a dad, (and a mom), who will love and support ME...



Maybe this is too much to put out there...but I just have to get it out of my heart- Out into the air. So there it is.