I am on the Road to Recovery. From 25 years of my past, my behaviors, my instincts, my walls, my self defense....my life as I knew it.
We are groomed and taught to protect ourselves. To not go out of your way too much. To not trust too much. To not be nieve. To not wear your heart on your sleeve, because someone might hurt you. Guard yourself. This is what the world teaches us.
Well we all know...someone will hurt us. Someone will take advantage of us. Someone will use us up.
But the Word says this...
John 15:13
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (NIV) "
You may wonder what this verse has to do with what I am talking about...well, it has everything to do with it. Laying down your life for someone else, is the greatest example of love. Laying down your life- well that just blows it all out of the water doesn't it? Every self protective instinct is destroyed! Everything in us wanting to give but not give too much...to love but not love too much...its really saying that we care more about protecting ourselves than going that extra mile. Than being willing to sacrifice everything WE love to be what someone ELSE needs.
So to end my babbling...I am on the Road to Recovery...on the Road to Love. Self denying, self sacrificing, self - forgotten love. Period.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
A new day
Today was a new day.
Today I made a memory with my Mom..A memory that I will never forget.
...On this very hot August day, my Mom and I laughed and shared joy. Something so simple as us and the kids outside playing with the water hose, spraying each other until we were all soaked to the bone. And even in that moment of us running around and laughing...I felt my heart clenching..knowing what was taking place- a change in our relationship, a softening in our hearts.
Now I know this may sound so silly or dramatic...I mean, we were just playing outside with a water hose...but - I cannot tell you the last time I laughed and bonded with my Mom. The last time I felt close to her...but today in that moment...I felt something happen in our relationship that my childlike heart has longed for -for a very, very long time.
Today I made a memory with my Mom..A memory that I will never forget.
...On this very hot August day, my Mom and I laughed and shared joy. Something so simple as us and the kids outside playing with the water hose, spraying each other until we were all soaked to the bone. And even in that moment of us running around and laughing...I felt my heart clenching..knowing what was taking place- a change in our relationship, a softening in our hearts.
Now I know this may sound so silly or dramatic...I mean, we were just playing outside with a water hose...but - I cannot tell you the last time I laughed and bonded with my Mom. The last time I felt close to her...but today in that moment...I felt something happen in our relationship that my childlike heart has longed for -for a very, very long time.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My list of Dreams..
A while back I wrote a blog about Job...specifically about the verse that says..."Job died old and full of days"...I want this to be what is said about me when I die...
That I died Old and Full of days
...that I didn't die full of dreams never fulfilled...
that I wasn't too afraid to attempt something knowing I may fail.
I mean, come on, I went to AFRICA last year...I traveled thousands of miles...fulfilling a dream I thought would not happen for MANY years...but it did...so maybe there are other dreams waiting to become reality. I don't know unless I try- that's for sure!
Of course there is always a small intimidating voice inside saying..."What if you Fail? What if your family, friends think you are crazy? What if you look like a fool?"
Well, this last Sunday at church I felt like God was whispering to me...something so simple but SO powerful....
..."Who told you that you can't???????????"
So that's all it took. I have had many ideas, dreams stirring in my heart for a while...but I have been afraid. But now I am determined to go for it!
So...here is My list...the start of it anyway...I will probably add to it :) This will include other things I want to do in my life...(in no specific order)
My List...
1. Learn to sew
2. Piano Lessons
3. Make more Jewelry
4. Create after I learn to sew(details to be shared later :)
5. Paint a picture
6. Photography Classes
7. Get a new, nice camera to use in my class and take more pictures
8. Go back to Africa
9. Travel in Europe
10. Sponsor a child from VOH
11. Buy Dan a new truck
12. Give a substantial gift to someone (in secret)
13. Become a board member for the Women's Center
14. Go to IHOP-KC
15. Take Yoga Classes
16. Be someone who inspires my children
17. Write a song
18. Do a 40 day fast (with no cheating)
19. See my Mom and Brothers saved
20. Skydive
21. hot air balloon ride
22. See a Broadway Show
23.
"Your playing small does not serve the World." :)
That I died Old and Full of days
...that I didn't die full of dreams never fulfilled...
that I wasn't too afraid to attempt something knowing I may fail.
I mean, come on, I went to AFRICA last year...I traveled thousands of miles...fulfilling a dream I thought would not happen for MANY years...but it did...so maybe there are other dreams waiting to become reality. I don't know unless I try- that's for sure!
Of course there is always a small intimidating voice inside saying..."What if you Fail? What if your family, friends think you are crazy? What if you look like a fool?"
Well, this last Sunday at church I felt like God was whispering to me...something so simple but SO powerful....
..."Who told you that you can't???????????"
So that's all it took. I have had many ideas, dreams stirring in my heart for a while...but I have been afraid. But now I am determined to go for it!
So...here is My list...the start of it anyway...I will probably add to it :) This will include other things I want to do in my life...(in no specific order)
My List...
1. Learn to sew
2. Piano Lessons
3. Make more Jewelry
4. Create after I learn to sew(details to be shared later :)
5. Paint a picture
6. Photography Classes
7. Get a new, nice camera to use in my class and take more pictures
8. Go back to Africa
9. Travel in Europe
10. Sponsor a child from VOH
11. Buy Dan a new truck
12. Give a substantial gift to someone (in secret)
13. Become a board member for the Women's Center
14. Go to IHOP-KC
15. Take Yoga Classes
16. Be someone who inspires my children
17. Write a song
18. Do a 40 day fast (with no cheating)
19. See my Mom and Brothers saved
20. Skydive
21. hot air balloon ride
22. See a Broadway Show
23.
"Your playing small does not serve the World." :)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
The promises made for me are tangible but not visible with the eye.
The redemption is so real I can taste it, but it cannot be fathomed by the mind.
The love that is so unconditional, that knows no bounds, keeps no score, no past wrongs, no way to be decreased or increased...it is not based on the world's standards...it is not changed by circumstances, feelings, or works...but it cannot be understood.
The blood that was shed for me (and you) was spilled out...so red and painful...so deep and pure..it has cleansed all that I am and all that I was...but the gap that was bridged from that sacrifice cannot be seen.
The redemption is so real I can taste it, but it cannot be fathomed by the mind.
The love that is so unconditional, that knows no bounds, keeps no score, no past wrongs, no way to be decreased or increased...it is not based on the world's standards...it is not changed by circumstances, feelings, or works...but it cannot be understood.
The blood that was shed for me (and you) was spilled out...so red and painful...so deep and pure..it has cleansed all that I am and all that I was...but the gap that was bridged from that sacrifice cannot be seen.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Restoration
Restoration...you bring Restoration...
I know that I have been restored. My children, my heritage that I will leave behind...is restored to God. But my family- my brothers, and my Mom have not been restored. (nor my dad). But my brothers have been heavy on my heart. I want them to know Jesus and to have wholeness and healing...but I also want there relationship to me restored. We are brothers and sister...family...we grew up together...we fought...we played...we broke rules...we laughed...we were family. But now we are strangers. We have chosen different lives..
I was at the prayer room Thursday evening for an hour...before I knew it was coming I found myself crying out and even yelling what was in my heart...a cry to God to restore my family to me. It was like an emotional vomit that happened before I even felt it coming on...like He searched me and knew what was in my heart even before I did. (which is not unlike Him.)
In the midst of my crying and yelling..I found myself clinging to and repeating--"You are a Restorer God! Only you can do it! Only YOU! YOU are the Restorer!"
So this Sunday morning at church, one of the first songs played was "Restoration" by David Brymer. I sensed that it was very appropriate for where many people were at this morning. But for me, in my heart...I felt like it was an acknowledgement that God heard my prayers, my hearts cry.
Later, they announced they would be doing baby dedications next Sunday morning..and I felt like God was telling me how when we dedicate our children- Lilly and Kaiden next week...it will be a physical picture of how he has Restored me, my heritage, and a new generation in my family.
Hallelujah, He makes all things new. He brings Restoration.
So sit back and take in the words of this song..."He takes our mourning and turns it into dancing...he takes our weeping and turns it into laughing...He takes my pain, he's called me by a new name, He's taken my shame, and in its place He's given me JOY."
And because of all this...I can have HOPE and peace about my family...because He IS a RESTORER!
Hallelujah, You make all things NEW!
I know that I have been restored. My children, my heritage that I will leave behind...is restored to God. But my family- my brothers, and my Mom have not been restored. (nor my dad). But my brothers have been heavy on my heart. I want them to know Jesus and to have wholeness and healing...but I also want there relationship to me restored. We are brothers and sister...family...we grew up together...we fought...we played...we broke rules...we laughed...we were family. But now we are strangers. We have chosen different lives..
I was at the prayer room Thursday evening for an hour...before I knew it was coming I found myself crying out and even yelling what was in my heart...a cry to God to restore my family to me. It was like an emotional vomit that happened before I even felt it coming on...like He searched me and knew what was in my heart even before I did. (which is not unlike Him.)
In the midst of my crying and yelling..I found myself clinging to and repeating--"You are a Restorer God! Only you can do it! Only YOU! YOU are the Restorer!"
So this Sunday morning at church, one of the first songs played was "Restoration" by David Brymer. I sensed that it was very appropriate for where many people were at this morning. But for me, in my heart...I felt like it was an acknowledgement that God heard my prayers, my hearts cry.
Later, they announced they would be doing baby dedications next Sunday morning..and I felt like God was telling me how when we dedicate our children- Lilly and Kaiden next week...it will be a physical picture of how he has Restored me, my heritage, and a new generation in my family.
Hallelujah, He makes all things new. He brings Restoration.
So sit back and take in the words of this song..."He takes our mourning and turns it into dancing...he takes our weeping and turns it into laughing...He takes my pain, he's called me by a new name, He's taken my shame, and in its place He's given me JOY."
And because of all this...I can have HOPE and peace about my family...because He IS a RESTORER!
Hallelujah, You make all things NEW!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Spring Up Oh Well Within Me
As the deer pants for the water, my soul-longs for you.
As the body dies without water, my soul dies without you
they may say, come on get over it
drink be merryfultomorrow we die
that's why
i'd rather sit in the house of mourning
then at the table with food
blessed are the hungry, you said i believe it
hunger is an escort to the deeper things of you
you satisfy, you satisfy
as the deer pants for the water, my soul-longs for you
as the body dies without water- my soul dies without you
my soul cries
my soul cries
my soul cries...for you
take to the place where you satisfy take me to the river
ill do anything god there is no no price
take me to the river
they may say come on get over it
everything is ok
they may say
why the hunger why the thirsty why the mourning
my soul cries my soul cries my soul cries- for you
my soul cries, my soul cries, my soul cries for you
take to the place where you satisfy take to the river,
ill do anything, God there is no price
take me to the river
all my tears you hold in a bottle
you will pour them out like the rain
weeping endures for the night but JOY comes in the morning, JOY comes in the morning
blessed are the hungry, blessed are the thirsty, you said it- i believe it
hunger is the escort to the deeper things of you
my soul cries, my soul cries, my soul cries- for you
deep is calling out to deep
i gotta go deeper deeper deeper still
you're not so far away
you're living on the inside of me
spring oh well, spring up oh well within me
spirit of the living God
spring up oh well within me!
spring up oh well, spring up oh well within me!
a river of life!
~~spring up oh well within me!~~
Holy spirit rise up inside of me, fill me with desire for Jesus
all consuming fire living flame of love
come and move within the hearts of men and women
and make us lovesick for Jesus, we are lovesick, come Lord Jesus, COME!
--misty edwards--
Psalm 77:11-20 (New International Version)
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God,
the waters saw you and writhed;
the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water,
the skies resounded with thunder;
your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
your lightning lit up the world;
the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea,
your way through the mighty waters,
though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock
by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
Spring up oh well with in me, and declare the goodness and majesty of the Lord! Display his Splendor for the world to see! Move in me Lord, make me lovesick for you, I am desperate for you. I place you above all others, all needs, all wants in my life!! You satisfy! Only YOU satisfy. Hunger is the escort to the deeper things of you...Let that be my cry, my prayer.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Hope does NOT disappoint us
"...And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
5 weeks ago...I found a lump in my left breast, by accident. I thought about what or If I should do anything. But Daniel assured me I should go to have it examined. And so I called to set up my appt. Shortly after I went to the SOZO conference...where God told me He was going to send someone to pray for my healing for it. But I knew it would be someone I did not know, because I had not told anyone. So I knew if it happened, God really spoke to me, and meant what He said. Alas, the conference was coming to an end and we were in the line to leave, when a man came up to me and told me He felt like He was supposed to pray for me- for my healing!! Wow. Ok, God..So he did. I told him what God had spoke to me, he said he felt like he was supposed to all weekend but had not had the chance.
I was in awe of God.
So I came home and waited for my appointment. Time seemed to crawl by...but it finally came. To sum it up quickly, we waited another week for the ultrasound, another week for the appt with the surgeon, but then that appt got canceled, so waited another day. Through all of it....I just felt a peace that truly surpassed allllll understanding. It was hard to see the fear in my husband's eyes for me and my sister's. Out of their love for me they were afraid. But I wanted to be strong. I did not want to fall apart with anxiety and fear, worries and what if's...I had a few moments of struggle...But all I could hear in my heart was...."With all my heart, with all my mind, and all my soul, with all I know" over and over and over again. I would trust him with all of me...He knows my fears, but I know he loves and he is good. So whatever happened, I wanted to believe that and trust He would bring good and growth and that He would get glory out of it.
"I won't be afraid, I will face the wind. So let the winds blow, let the winds blow"
Whatever those winds were going to look like,
I wanted to be strong and FULL OF FAITH and HOPE!
NOT FEAR!
So today I went it to the surgeon for my consult for a biopsy since they discovered it was a solid mass. I was so ready for it all to be over so we could move on and not have this dark cloud of wonder hanging over us anymore. She informed us that it was indeed a solid mass but it was benign, nothing to worry about, no procedure or surgery needed.
Yay, God!!!
I was reminded of what God spoke to me, the prayers gone up for me, the unknown affect and healing that has come from them...
Through all of this I have persevered to find Him in it, believe what He says about me, about my future...He always, always, always answers us...
He knows us in and out. He is so faithful.
And His hope- NEVER disappoints.
Glory to Your Name Lord. You are worthy to be praised.
"...And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:2
5 weeks ago...I found a lump in my left breast, by accident. I thought about what or If I should do anything. But Daniel assured me I should go to have it examined. And so I called to set up my appt. Shortly after I went to the SOZO conference...where God told me He was going to send someone to pray for my healing for it. But I knew it would be someone I did not know, because I had not told anyone. So I knew if it happened, God really spoke to me, and meant what He said. Alas, the conference was coming to an end and we were in the line to leave, when a man came up to me and told me He felt like He was supposed to pray for me- for my healing!! Wow. Ok, God..So he did. I told him what God had spoke to me, he said he felt like he was supposed to all weekend but had not had the chance.
I was in awe of God.
So I came home and waited for my appointment. Time seemed to crawl by...but it finally came. To sum it up quickly, we waited another week for the ultrasound, another week for the appt with the surgeon, but then that appt got canceled, so waited another day. Through all of it....I just felt a peace that truly surpassed allllll understanding. It was hard to see the fear in my husband's eyes for me and my sister's. Out of their love for me they were afraid. But I wanted to be strong. I did not want to fall apart with anxiety and fear, worries and what if's...I had a few moments of struggle...But all I could hear in my heart was...."With all my heart, with all my mind, and all my soul, with all I know" over and over and over again. I would trust him with all of me...He knows my fears, but I know he loves and he is good. So whatever happened, I wanted to believe that and trust He would bring good and growth and that He would get glory out of it.
"I won't be afraid, I will face the wind. So let the winds blow, let the winds blow"
Whatever those winds were going to look like,
I wanted to be strong and FULL OF FAITH and HOPE!
NOT FEAR!
So today I went it to the surgeon for my consult for a biopsy since they discovered it was a solid mass. I was so ready for it all to be over so we could move on and not have this dark cloud of wonder hanging over us anymore. She informed us that it was indeed a solid mass but it was benign, nothing to worry about, no procedure or surgery needed.
Yay, God!!!
I was reminded of what God spoke to me, the prayers gone up for me, the unknown affect and healing that has come from them...
Through all of this I have persevered to find Him in it, believe what He says about me, about my future...He always, always, always answers us...
He knows us in and out. He is so faithful.
And His hope- NEVER disappoints.
Glory to Your Name Lord. You are worthy to be praised.
"...And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
Romans 5:2
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Sink or Swim
This morning I felt like there was a war waging inside of me...
Peace vs. all the emotions raging within me...all the truth and promises of His goodness and faithfulness.
The days before I have had peace and was not consumed with these fears...but this morning it hit me like a very real tidal wave...I could almost see inside myself...watching the waves be tossed back and forth, a sloshing that is messy and splashes onto everything around it. It was sink or swim...but I kept coming back up, fighting for my air, fighting for who He says I am, what He says about me, what he says about my future... but I would sink with a thought of fear, the what if's, be pushed down under the water..... but then be reminded of His promises and I would swim back to the top...Gasp for more air, for peace, calmness, strength...
I love that no matter how many times we sink...he always gives us the strength to swim back to the top. He ALWAYS answers our cry for help. He ALWAYS answers! He never leaves us or forsakes us. Never!
He does not let us be overtaken by the waves if we call out to Him.
We always have a choice...we can choose to let our emotions overtake us or we can choose to cling to what He says about us and who He is, and claim His promises.
So right now, I choose to swim...not sink!
to be continued...
Peace vs. all the emotions raging within me...all the truth and promises of His goodness and faithfulness.
The days before I have had peace and was not consumed with these fears...but this morning it hit me like a very real tidal wave...I could almost see inside myself...watching the waves be tossed back and forth, a sloshing that is messy and splashes onto everything around it. It was sink or swim...but I kept coming back up, fighting for my air, fighting for who He says I am, what He says about me, what he says about my future... but I would sink with a thought of fear, the what if's, be pushed down under the water..... but then be reminded of His promises and I would swim back to the top...Gasp for more air, for peace, calmness, strength...
I love that no matter how many times we sink...he always gives us the strength to swim back to the top. He ALWAYS answers our cry for help. He ALWAYS answers! He never leaves us or forsakes us. Never!
He does not let us be overtaken by the waves if we call out to Him.
We always have a choice...we can choose to let our emotions overtake us or we can choose to cling to what He says about us and who He is, and claim His promises.
So right now, I choose to swim...not sink!
to be continued...
Monday, February 8, 2010
Bring me forth in Love
Listen Oh daughter
the King desires you..
Now Listen oh daughter
He wants to be with you
He longs for the day
when He makes all things new..
all things new..
He longs for the day..
He longs for the day..
when you allow Him to make all things new..
so listen oh daughters...
the King desires you.
so listen oh daughters..
the King desires you!
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
so I say yes-
I say yes
I say yes
I want to be with you.
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
Oh God I won't accuse you of being too difficult..
I won't accuse you of asking too much of me.
I won't accuse you...
for I know , I know, you know what moves my heart~
and I say yes.
I say yes..
I will go my own way...
to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.
I will leave the past behind..
and how I failed, so so so many times..
but I l believe in your commitment to me.
I trust your promise more than I trust my own commitment to you..
I say it again, I say it again
I will go own my way
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll say yes.
I know that you will bring me to the end..
and I say yes
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able- I trust you..
I trust your desire for me.
For your said it and I believe it.
For you've given me the spirit as a guarantee.
As I walk through the journey~
As I walk through the wilderness~
I know, I know, I know your gonna bring me into, into only You.
Though I fall I am not utterly cast out..
though I fall, He upholds me by His right hand
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
I believe it- so into your hands I commit my spirit..
I commit my way.. I commit everything..
For you have not left me alone, you have given me the help of the holy spirit.
I walk in the spirit day by day by day
I walk in the spirit...
show me the way, show me the way...
It's all about love, from beginning to the end...
For God is near to the brokenhearted..
He draws near to the humble,
anybody can come, anybody...
the King desires you..
Now Listen oh daughter
He wants to be with you
He longs for the day
when He makes all things new..
all things new..
He longs for the day..
He longs for the day..
when you allow Him to make all things new..
so listen oh daughters...
the King desires you.
so listen oh daughters..
the King desires you!
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
so I say yes-
I say yes
I say yes
I want to be with you.
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
I say yes-
I say yes-
I say yes-
I want to be with you.
Oh God I won't accuse you of being too difficult..
I won't accuse you of asking too much of me.
I won't accuse you...
for I know , I know, you know what moves my heart~
and I say yes.
I say yes..
I will go my own way...
to the mountain of myrrh and to the hill of frankincense.
I will leave the past behind..
and how I failed, so so so many times..
but I l believe in your commitment to me.
I trust your promise more than I trust my own commitment to you..
I say it again, I say it again
I will go own my way
Yes, yes, yes.
I'll say yes.
I know that you will bring me to the end..
and I say yes
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able- I trust you..
I trust your desire for me.
For your said it and I believe it.
For you've given me the spirit as a guarantee.
As I walk through the journey~
As I walk through the wilderness~
I know, I know, I know your gonna bring me into, into only You.
Though I fall I am not utterly cast out..
though I fall, He upholds me by His right hand
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
You are able to keep what I've committed to you
are able to bring me forth in love..
I believe it- so into your hands I commit my spirit..
I commit my way.. I commit everything..
For you have not left me alone, you have given me the help of the holy spirit.
I walk in the spirit day by day by day
I walk in the spirit...
show me the way, show me the way...
It's all about love, from beginning to the end...
For God is near to the brokenhearted..
He draws near to the humble,
anybody can come, anybody...
Creaking of a rusty gate...no, thanks!
1 Corinthians 13 (The Message)
1 Corinthians 13
The Way of Love
1 If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. 2If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. 3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Drink deep
You’re a mystery, wrapped in clouds~ shouting so loud..
just waiting to be discovered..
You’re a mystery~ so intriguing. You’re a mystery so inviting.
You saved Yourself for the weak, the humble, and the meek.
Only the hungry dine, only the thirsty drink deep.
You saved Yourself for the needy. You saved Yourself for me.
I want to waste my life to search You out~ search You out.
-misty edwards
just waiting to be discovered..
You’re a mystery~ so intriguing. You’re a mystery so inviting.
You saved Yourself for the weak, the humble, and the meek.
Only the hungry dine, only the thirsty drink deep.
You saved Yourself for the needy. You saved Yourself for me.
I want to waste my life to search You out~ search You out.
-misty edwards
Thursday, February 4, 2010
~Joy~ springs in
Open up the doors-
of this heart of mine...
Dust off the cobwebs..
fix the broken walls
replace the shattered windows.
Recondition my heart.
Let your love pour in
I am not afraid..
You bring forth newness,
~joy~ springs in..
my rags are thrown off..
Looking at them on the floor
i now see they were chains..
but your love-
oh, it consumes me, frees me!
My arms are flung wide..
my heart- it waits in sponge form..
ready to soak you up!
drench me, drench me, ~DRENCH ME~
I cry out!
You cleanse my mind,
my eyes are opened..
Your hands, your blood
removes the blinders.
You are my healer.
You take my iniquities..
you cast them out.
Your spirit runs through me
making me ~whole~
from the inside out.
You lift my head..
and make beauty from my ashes.
Reveal yourself-
oh~ bridegroom~ of mine.
Job 8:21
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 94:19
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
~~~unfinished...doesn't really make sense...it's late and my thoughts are scattered...ill change it later~~
of this heart of mine...
Dust off the cobwebs..
fix the broken walls
replace the shattered windows.
Recondition my heart.
Let your love pour in
I am not afraid..
You bring forth newness,
~joy~ springs in..
my rags are thrown off..
Looking at them on the floor
i now see they were chains..
but your love-
oh, it consumes me, frees me!
My arms are flung wide..
my heart- it waits in sponge form..
ready to soak you up!
drench me, drench me, ~DRENCH ME~
I cry out!
You cleanse my mind,
my eyes are opened..
Your hands, your blood
removes the blinders.
You are my healer.
You take my iniquities..
you cast them out.
Your spirit runs through me
making me ~whole~
from the inside out.
You lift my head..
and make beauty from my ashes.
Reveal yourself-
oh~ bridegroom~ of mine.
Job 8:21
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.
Psalm 16:11
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
Psalm 90:14
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
Psalm 94:19
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
~~~unfinished...doesn't really make sense...it's late and my thoughts are scattered...ill change it later~~
A little longer
I've had this song in my heart today...
What can I do for you
What can I bring to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
'Cause I'll ~dance a dance~ for you
Pour out my love to you
What can I do for you ~~beautiful king~~
'Cause I can't thank you enough
'Cause I can't thank you enough
All of the words that I find
and I can't thank you enough
No matter how I try
and I can't thank you enough
Then hear you saying to me
Listen you, don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
I hear you saying
You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
'cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm. in. love. with. you
I'm. in. love. with. you..
-jenn johnson
What can I do for you
What can I bring to you
What kind of song would you like me to sing
'Cause I'll ~dance a dance~ for you
Pour out my love to you
What can I do for you ~~beautiful king~~
'Cause I can't thank you enough
'Cause I can't thank you enough
All of the words that I find
and I can't thank you enough
No matter how I try
and I can't thank you enough
Then hear you saying to me
Listen you, don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
I hear you saying
You don't have to do a thing
Just simply be with me
and let those things go
'Cause they can wait another minute
Wait, this moment is too sweet
Would you please stay here here with me
And love on me a little longer
'cause I like to be with you a little longer
I love to be with you a little longer
'Cause I'm. in. love. with. you
I'm. in. love. with. you..
-jenn johnson
My Quest
Ok, so I have recently started on a quest to read entirely through the Bible...
I just finished Genesis..And I am blown away by how much I read that I did not know or that I forgot. There are many books in the old testament that I have not ever read! Isn't that terrible!? Now-- I have read through the new testament over and over!
I loved what I read and learned in Genesis and I am excited to learn more! It's amazing how God can bring His word to life...even stories from thousand of years ago...
His word really is alive, living water!
SO I have learned all about everything from Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, the Tower of Babel, Noah and the Ark, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Joseph and Pharoah...through births and deaths, floods, cities destroyed, through all of it-- I have read God's faithfulness! His faithfulness to the generations of generations, his provision, his favor, his goodness.
Reading Genesis and becoming more familiar with this history of God...it feels like when you get to know a close friend at a deeper level..you learn a deeper side of them- their history- which is part of their complete character today.
So thank You God, for allowing me to know You a little deeper...and your character of who You are today...for your goodness and faithfulness is the same today as it was thousands of years ago.
"For I am the Lord, I change not.." ~ Malachi 3:6
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8
I just finished Genesis..And I am blown away by how much I read that I did not know or that I forgot. There are many books in the old testament that I have not ever read! Isn't that terrible!? Now-- I have read through the new testament over and over!
I loved what I read and learned in Genesis and I am excited to learn more! It's amazing how God can bring His word to life...even stories from thousand of years ago...
His word really is alive, living water!
SO I have learned all about everything from Adam and Eve, Cain and Abel, the Tower of Babel, Noah and the Ark, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Joseph and Pharoah...through births and deaths, floods, cities destroyed, through all of it-- I have read God's faithfulness! His faithfulness to the generations of generations, his provision, his favor, his goodness.
Reading Genesis and becoming more familiar with this history of God...it feels like when you get to know a close friend at a deeper level..you learn a deeper side of them- their history- which is part of their complete character today.
So thank You God, for allowing me to know You a little deeper...and your character of who You are today...for your goodness and faithfulness is the same today as it was thousands of years ago.
"For I am the Lord, I change not.." ~ Malachi 3:6
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Powerful Beyond Measure
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Marianne Williamson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of my favorite quotes...I think it is so powerful.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- Marianne Williamson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is one of my favorite quotes...I think it is so powerful.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Africa videos
Short clip of them singing "today is a beautiful day, we are happy indeed"
just something pure and beautiful about their voices.
love their smiling faces! what joy! btw, that's my Scovia on the far left in the front row :)
Only Daniel
This Wed my Daniel is turning 30 years old. So I wanted to blog a little about him...I heard this song last week and every element of it reminded me of my husband. When I think of him...I always think of this verse...
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass." ~ Psalm 37:4,5
God gave me the desires of my heart..and so much more. And that is just like Him..to give us MORE than we can imagine or dream.So here are the lyrics!
Well, I know there’s a reason
And I know there’s a rhyme
We were meant to be together
That’s why
We can roll with the punches
We can stroll hand in hand
And when I say it’s forever
You understand
That you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
And when it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only you can love me this way
I could’ve turned a different corner
I could’ve gone another place
But I’d a-never had this feeling
That I feel today
Yeah
And you’re always in my heart
You’re always on my mind
When it all becomes too much
You’re never far behind
And there’s no one that comes close to you
Could ever take your place
‘Cause only can love me this way
Only you can love me this way
-Keith Urban
So since he is turning 30...I am going to do a list of...
30 things I love about Daniel and our life together!!!
1. He calls me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going.
2. He randomly leaves cards, flowers, notes for me for no reason other than just to say he loves me.
3. That when I go out with my friends, I can take my time and do not have to hurry home.
4. He is a great Father, he is silly with them AND cuddles them. Sings their favorite songs at bedtime.
5. He helps around the house without me having to ask.
6. Fills up the gas tank so I don't have to stand in the cold.
7. Works endlessly and tirelessly without ever complaining, to provide for our family.
8. He still opens the door for me.
9. He lets me sleep in, when he knows I had a long night with one of them.
10. He is just as stubborn as I am.
11. He has the corniest jokes sometimes, but he still always makes me laugh.
12. That he still tells me I'm the most beautiful woman in the world...even when I am in my pjs with bedhead.
13. He is always willing to help others out, work on their car, fix something. He is selfless.
14. He always smells good. Always!
15. He still reaches for my hand.
16. He changes diapers!
17. He has the best smile.
18. His arms wrap around me.
19. He knows when I am hurting or down, or what I am thinking, just by the look on my face.
20. He prays for me and our kids when we are sick.
21. He takes Lilly with him to Lowe's so they can have daddy- daughter time.
22. He always leaves and greets me with a kiss and hug.
23. He is incredibly handsome!
24. He is 1ft and 3 inches taller than me...and he can carry me up the stairs easily.
25. We can laugh and play and be silly together or be silent.
26. He is always looking for secret ways to bless me.
27. He loves and respects his parents. And he loves and is so sweet to his sisters.
28. He tells me I'm a good cook, eats up every meal.
29. He pushes me to be better, but loves me for who I am.
30. Is SOOO patient...and despite my being difficult sometimes, he never gives up on us.
So, there it is! Sorry if that was mushy
:)
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Africa Memories...1st Addition
beautiful feet...oh, how they can dance!
singing is with every coming and going
more beautiful feet
me and my girls...one of my fav. moments
Scovia - is a girl I met at the festival we had. I sat with her and some other
girls on the grass for hours...just laughing and talking. They cackled when I tried to pronounce words in their language. I couldn't help but to laugh at myself as well. But there just seemed something special about Scovia, we connected. She was very shy, but had a big smile for me. :)
my delicious omelet and coffee...enjoyed almost every morning
typical morning...pineapple, omelet, coffee, and journaling :)
It was always a great time to look back over the last days events, memories and reminisce.
I wanted to be sure to journal everything, so I wouldn't forget...and so that someday my children would have something tangible of mine, that shows my love for Africa, my obedience to God, and my experience along the way.
Africa...is now a piece of me. A piece of my heart, my everyday thoughts. I have wanted to write about my trip for so long, but when I put my pen to paper...I am at a loss of what to write- where to start...I feel like no matter what I write, I can never express the depth of meaning it has for me. Its like trying to put into words something large, and beautiful, deep, and so amazing...but when you try you are dumbfounded with words...because there are none to describe it. SO i thought I would just try it this way...by sharing some memories and thoughts a little at a time. :)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The work of his hands
"This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, -
anyone can have a whole and lasting life."
I just read this verse out of The Message, John chapter 3.
.Whole. is defined as:
Comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., Without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total. Containing all the elements properly belonging; complete. Undivided. Not broken, damaged, or impaired.
~~~~
I love when God brings his word to life. When it jumps off the page and speaks to me, penetrating my heart.
He knows us so well...
It reminds me of a carpenter's intricate work...He can imagine what the end result will look like, in all its splendor-- even before it has been finished, even while it lay on the table as a untouched log, EVEN THEN- he envisions the finished creation. He knows how to carve it...he carves according to its unique grain....chipping away all the unnecessary pieces, all that will get in the way. Carving is messy, shavings cover the floor. But the carpenter doesn't mind because he knows the process. He has done it many times before. He knows the tools to use. He knows when you carve that you always carve into the depth, not out. And that the key to masterful carving is having a sharp chisel and a smooth chisel; and that any contaminate on the surface of the chisel, will create resistance and cause a jagged or torn cut rather than smooth and concise. When the piece is near finished, he checks for loose tabs or frays around the edges. Then the oil is rubbed into every crevice. It is the best finish- it soaks into the surface, leaving a crisp carved line. Every inch of his creation has been passed through his hands, and when he is satisfied, when he feels it is truly at it's fullest splendor...
he. steps. back. and. admires.the. work. of. his. hands.
anyone can have a whole and lasting life."
I just read this verse out of The Message, John chapter 3.
.Whole. is defined as:
Comprising the full quantity, amount, extent, number, etc., Without diminution or exception; entire, full, or total. Containing all the elements properly belonging; complete. Undivided. Not broken, damaged, or impaired.
~~~~
I love when God brings his word to life. When it jumps off the page and speaks to me, penetrating my heart.
He knows us so well...
It reminds me of a carpenter's intricate work...He can imagine what the end result will look like, in all its splendor-- even before it has been finished, even while it lay on the table as a untouched log, EVEN THEN- he envisions the finished creation. He knows how to carve it...he carves according to its unique grain....chipping away all the unnecessary pieces, all that will get in the way. Carving is messy, shavings cover the floor. But the carpenter doesn't mind because he knows the process. He has done it many times before. He knows the tools to use. He knows when you carve that you always carve into the depth, not out. And that the key to masterful carving is having a sharp chisel and a smooth chisel; and that any contaminate on the surface of the chisel, will create resistance and cause a jagged or torn cut rather than smooth and concise. When the piece is near finished, he checks for loose tabs or frays around the edges. Then the oil is rubbed into every crevice. It is the best finish- it soaks into the surface, leaving a crisp carved line. Every inch of his creation has been passed through his hands, and when he is satisfied, when he feels it is truly at it's fullest splendor...
he. steps. back. and. admires.the. work. of. his. hands.
Monday, January 25, 2010
A Father
The man who got my mom pregnant has not been a part of my life since I was around 3 yrs old. I have just a few things I remember about him...he beat my mom, he went to bars, my brother was so terrified of him- that he had a very bad studder for a long time. My Mom finally left him when I was about 3, I think, and we had to go for visits a few times...I remember how much we did not want to go, we begged and pleaded to not go but it was court ordered...some lunatic judge had ordered us to go see the man who beat our Mom. It wasn't just him either, his sister also beat my mom. They actually beat her so badly once, that she had a miscarriage. So that is why I say some lunatic judge ordered it. Shortly after that, we never saw or heard from him again.
My Mom met a man named Jackie soon after. He was such a great guy. He was so kind and loving to her, he never yelled or beat her. About 5 years later they had a boy, and I became a big sister! Jackie became my Dad. He loved and treated me like I was HIS daughter. We were a family. By no means, a perfect family, but we were a family. My Mom and him fought often, and when they did, she would go in her room and lock the door. She would remain there for days, just stewing in her anger. She wouldn't even talk to us kids. I remember him packing his stuff to "take a break" for a few days, that happened every once in a while. But for the most part, they loved each other and remained together for almost 13 years. So he was definitely my dad, the only one I had ever really known. But when I was 16, a soon to be Sophomore in High school, he moved us down here to Wilmington from Dayton. His behavior became strange after that, and just a few days before Christmas...he left my Mom...but this time he did not come back...
My Mom went to see him several times and tried to beg him to come back...but he had left my Mom for another woman. Someone he met on his truck route. He came to pick up my younger brother and me a few times, we went to the house he shared with the 'new' woman. We were going to move in with him, but he was only able to get my brother into school, for reasons I am still unsure of today. And I never heard from him again...not one word.
The hurt and abandonment I felt was shattering. How could he just up and leave not only my Mom, but ME!? I was his daughter! He would call to talk to my brother Daren, who was by blood- his son...but he never asked to speak with me. I would even answer the phone sometimes, but he would just ask for my brother.
Since then, I have accepted Jesus in my life...he has brought forgiveness and healing in ways only He can do. God has brought many wonderful, godly men into my life to fill the place in my heart and life that has been missing since Jackie left. They have been truly incredible, they have loved me, encouraged me, and 2 of them even gave me away at my wedding...another married Daniel and I. I love those father figures so much, they hold a special place in my heart, and I am so grateful to God for placing these men in life, to ease what I lost.
But sometimes...I think about what it would be like to have my OWN daddy. I think about it and cannot fathom how Jackie could just walk away from me...his daughter. I cannot imagine abandoning my child. I have forgiven him, and I still even love him. Sometimes I consider picking up the phone and calling him. Sometimes I ask God to restore our relationship...I know he could do that...but I don't know if that will ever happen.
I see how my husband loves our children. He is such a great father! And that does make up for some it...but it just doesn't fill the void that is there. I know this void is a result of Jackie's sin and selfishness. I know God is the only one who can fill this emptiness...he is my Heavenly Daddy. But there are times when I long so deeply to have a earthly father figure. Sarah, is my wonderful beloved sister...but sometimes I am so jealous of her- because she has such a wonderful family, such a great dad AND mom. And I wonder, what is it about me? Don't I deserve to be loved that way? What would that be like?
I know the truth. I know I am a forerunner in my family who will break the cycle. I know my children will have all that I didn't,and more- because of what God has done in my life. I know all of this. I am not blaming God for what my Dad chose...I am simply just putting this out there...that I still long for a dad, (and a mom), who will love and support ME...
Maybe this is too much to put out there...but I just have to get it out of my heart- Out into the air. So there it is.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Dream
This is one of my favorite songs...its on my playlist below. You shoudl check it out. It is quite beautiful. I always imagine a girl walking through a meadow...running her fingers across the wildflowers and overgrown weeds. Just a whimsical song. Like I said...check it out :)
lyrics..
"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house
guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
lyrics..
"I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.
I played pretend between the trees, and fed my house
guests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest swing.
I had a dream.
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park, I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.
I had a dream
That I could fly from the highest tree.
I had a dream.
Now I'm old and feeling grey. I don't know what's left to say about this life I'm willing to leave.
I lived it full and I lived it well, there's many tales I've lived to tell. I'm ready now, I'm ready now, I'm ready now to fly from the highest wing.
I had a dream
I'd Rather Be...
I'd rather be a would be,
If I cannot be an are
For a would be is a maybe,
Who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has been,
Than a might have been by far,
'Cause a might have been has never been,
But a has been was once an are.
- Author Unknown
Read this somewhere and thought it was interesting :)
If I cannot be an are
For a would be is a maybe,
Who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has been,
Than a might have been by far,
'Cause a might have been has never been,
But a has been was once an are.
- Author Unknown
Read this somewhere and thought it was interesting :)
You wait...
The water trickles in from under the door
it slowly makes its way to my feet..
gently washes over them.
Before I know it -its up to my ankles...
As I confess my adoration to You
My heart is beaming with joy.
In my mind I picture myself
laying at your feet...
bowing down before you- my King.
Meanwhile..the water has crept up to my calves.
But I do not notice,
because I am enveloped in You.
All the world around me...
my kids playing, the tv blaring,
it all disappears, becomes silent.
Because just for a moment,
I am lost in you, I hear you speak to me.
Love sonnets and plans for a future.
Meanwhile, the water has reached my hips.
Still unaware, I proclaim your goodness...
Your faithfulness and kindness.
You sweep me away..
Your peace overtakes and casts out every worry,
every care- the weight is lifted and I'm free.
The water is nearly to my neck..
I suddenly realize it is going to overtake me..
I gasp for air, I'm afraid...
then I catch your glimpse again..
I relax, and release.
I'm free- remember!
You laugh, just like a father would
when you see your child realize she can swim
or ride her bike for the first time.
Fear is gone,
and I float and splash in my carelessness.
Your yoke is easy, and oh
the child-like joy you give to me!
You are living water, you satisfy the needs
in a sun-scorched land.
My eyes open, and here I am-
back at my computer...sitting in my chair...
The water appears gone.
My kids are plying for me, there are house duties to attend to-
and it's ok,
because you have satisfied my soul.
I can do all things.
I am a well watered garden, I am growing and flourishing again.
I get up from my chair -
but my feet leave water marks across the floor...
You never leave me or forsake me.
But You wait for me.
You wait for me to come back again...
it slowly makes its way to my feet..
gently washes over them.
Before I know it -its up to my ankles...
As I confess my adoration to You
My heart is beaming with joy.
In my mind I picture myself
laying at your feet...
bowing down before you- my King.
Meanwhile..the water has crept up to my calves.
But I do not notice,
because I am enveloped in You.
All the world around me...
my kids playing, the tv blaring,
it all disappears, becomes silent.
Because just for a moment,
I am lost in you, I hear you speak to me.
Love sonnets and plans for a future.
Meanwhile, the water has reached my hips.
Still unaware, I proclaim your goodness...
Your faithfulness and kindness.
You sweep me away..
Your peace overtakes and casts out every worry,
every care- the weight is lifted and I'm free.
The water is nearly to my neck..
I suddenly realize it is going to overtake me..
I gasp for air, I'm afraid...
then I catch your glimpse again..
I relax, and release.
I'm free- remember!
You laugh, just like a father would
when you see your child realize she can swim
or ride her bike for the first time.
Fear is gone,
and I float and splash in my carelessness.
Your yoke is easy, and oh
the child-like joy you give to me!
You are living water, you satisfy the needs
in a sun-scorched land.
My eyes open, and here I am-
back at my computer...sitting in my chair...
The water appears gone.
My kids are plying for me, there are house duties to attend to-
and it's ok,
because you have satisfied my soul.
I can do all things.
I am a well watered garden, I am growing and flourishing again.
I get up from my chair -
but my feet leave water marks across the floor...
You never leave me or forsake me.
But You wait for me.
You wait for me to come back again...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Through the Storm
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm." Job 1
Job- I keep coming back to you...I find myself clinging to your story. Clinging to the words God spoke to you.
swallowed up
suffering and pain-
surround me.
i am swallowed up.
my heart aches-
it groans within me.
longing to be
touched by You..
this overwhelming feeling
is like a tidal wave..
i'm riding this wave-
trying to keep my head
above the water.
my eyes scower the seas
for a life boat.
scower for a hand
to lift me out.
then i blink-
you descend.
you lift me out-
out of the violent waves,
out of the chaos.
bring me to dry land.
wrap me in a blanket
of peace and calmness.
you descended-
and saved me from the
wild seas within me.
you pat me dry
wipe my face
lift my head
stand me up
and send me off.
I am yours.
And you are mine.
You descended...
or so I thought....
You were protecting me,
surrounding me..
you were the clothes
on my skin.
The air I was breathing..
The life within me.
Job- I keep coming back to you...I find myself clinging to your story. Clinging to the words God spoke to you.
swallowed up
suffering and pain-
surround me.
i am swallowed up.
my heart aches-
it groans within me.
longing to be
touched by You..
this overwhelming feeling
is like a tidal wave..
i'm riding this wave-
trying to keep my head
above the water.
my eyes scower the seas
for a life boat.
scower for a hand
to lift me out.
then i blink-
you descend.
you lift me out-
out of the violent waves,
out of the chaos.
bring me to dry land.
wrap me in a blanket
of peace and calmness.
you descended-
and saved me from the
wild seas within me.
you pat me dry
wipe my face
lift my head
stand me up
and send me off.
I am yours.
And you are mine.
You descended...
or so I thought....
You were protecting me,
surrounding me..
you were the clothes
on my skin.
The air I was breathing..
The life within me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
what they said...
A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell. ~C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
Young man, young man, your arm's too short to box with God. ~James Weldon Johnson
Let God's promises shine on your problems. ~Corrie Ten Boom
God enters by a private door into each individual. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold. When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness. This is also the case when people withdraw from God. ~Augustine
All that I have seen teaches me to trust God for all I have not seen. ~Author Unknown
Young man, young man, your arm's too short to box with God. ~James Weldon Johnson
Let God's promises shine on your problems. ~Corrie Ten Boom
God enters by a private door into each individual. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Remember this. When people choose to withdraw far from a fire, the fire continues to give warmth, but they grow cold. When people choose to withdraw far from light, the light continues to be bright in itself but they are in darkness. This is also the case when people withdraw from God. ~Augustine
All that I have seen teaches me to trust God for all I have not seen. ~Author Unknown
Monday, January 11, 2010
the cry of my heart...
A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out
"from the inside out" by Hillsong
Thursday, January 7, 2010
And she laughed...
10 Then the LORD " said, "I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son."
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?"
Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. 11 Abraham and Sarah were already old and well advanced in years, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. 12 So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?"
13 Then the LORD said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' 14 Is anything too hard for the LORD ? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."
15 Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, "I did not laugh."
But he said, "Yes, you did laugh."
I was reading this yesterday...It is so interesting to me. Sarah was barren for 90 years...and then when she was 90 years old- (and in her words- she was old and worn out and so was her husband)...she laughed at the thought of God blessing them with a baby after all those years. She was so stunned that she laughed at what God told her. But God called her out and asked why she laughed, why she had so much doubt that the Creator of the Universe couldn't bless them with a child just because they were old!?
"Is anything too hard for the Lord??"
Think about that... How many times are we like Sarah and we scoff at the possibility of God doing something miraculous in our lives?
Scoff at the idea of God healing us physically...emotionally...
scoff at the idea of God restoring broken family relationships..split up parents..
scoff at the idea of God using us to change our community, our world...
I know I have laughed about the thought of God doing certain things in my life...maybe not laughed on the outside but on the inside I know I have doubted and struggled...and I am sure I will again...but today-TODAY-- I want to to believe what God is saying he wants to do in my life...no matter what it is. I want to accept it and pursue it...he is a dream dropper...and he is faithful to those that are faithful- so God help me step out and grab life by the handles in the way you are leading me to go.
Help me not to laugh at the thought of the miraculous happening...
Oh and yes...God returned to Sarah and Abraham a while later and saw their son who was indeed born...he was named Isaac.
Monday, January 4, 2010
dry skin
In the winter time, my hands get so dried out...I am constantly having to put on lotion so they don't crack and bleed. I am constantly using my hands...whether to clean, do dishes, pick up toys, wipe dirty faces, wipe off the table after every meal, wipe off the countertops, after I change a diaper, after I go to the bathroom...etc...so they are always getting dried out. So I get out my extra moisturizing lotion and lather them up again. Sometimes they are so dry, they ache to be moisturized.
So why am I talking about my dry skin?? Well, I was thinking about it earlier, and I can see how it parallels to my spiritual life. All day long I am giving myself away...to my kids, my husband, my house, my family, friends...etc...all day. And at the end of that day- I am aching for relaxation, aching for refreshment, relief. Just like my hands- after being used up and dried out all day, they ache for moisturizer so they don't crack and bleed(which is very painful). SO I guess what I am saying is, just like my hands, I need to always make sure I am staying filled up, refreshed by the Holy Spirit- by his touch and by God's Word...so that I, myself, do not crack, do not become frail and dried up. (because that is painful as well.)
I have said it a million times...and I will keep saying it. It is my favorite song, it is the cry of my heart...
"I want to be unmoveable and unshakeable, so let my roots go down deep...unmoveable and unshakeable in you. I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of Living Water. I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of Living Water. This will be my song God, this will be my prayer. Til the end. Til the end. In the midst of the coming storms, in the midst of the coming blessing, that my life would be built upon the rock, that I would not be moved, not be shaken."
So there ya go...walk away thinking about my dry skin...lol. But remember...Aveeno may have the best moisturizing lotion...but God has living water for the soul.
Isaiah 58:11
The Lord will guide you always, he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
So why am I talking about my dry skin?? Well, I was thinking about it earlier, and I can see how it parallels to my spiritual life. All day long I am giving myself away...to my kids, my husband, my house, my family, friends...etc...all day. And at the end of that day- I am aching for relaxation, aching for refreshment, relief. Just like my hands- after being used up and dried out all day, they ache for moisturizer so they don't crack and bleed(which is very painful). SO I guess what I am saying is, just like my hands, I need to always make sure I am staying filled up, refreshed by the Holy Spirit- by his touch and by God's Word...so that I, myself, do not crack, do not become frail and dried up. (because that is painful as well.)
I have said it a million times...and I will keep saying it. It is my favorite song, it is the cry of my heart...
"I want to be unmoveable and unshakeable, so let my roots go down deep...unmoveable and unshakeable in you. I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of Living Water. I want to be like a tree, planted by the streams of Living Water. This will be my song God, this will be my prayer. Til the end. Til the end. In the midst of the coming storms, in the midst of the coming blessing, that my life would be built upon the rock, that I would not be moved, not be shaken."
So there ya go...walk away thinking about my dry skin...lol. But remember...Aveeno may have the best moisturizing lotion...but God has living water for the soul.
Isaiah 58:11
The Lord will guide you always, he will satisfy your needs in a sun scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
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