Before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139 For the director of music. Of David. A psalm. 1 O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. 2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. 5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8 If I go up to the heavens,you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. 19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! 20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord, and abhor those who rise up against you? 22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

In the middle of the night

I AM a mother who loves her children with her whole heart. I AM a woman who has been saved by God's amazing Grace. I AM a wife who has been given more than her dreams come true. ...but I am also sometimes a child on the inside who longs for Father to love on me and fill the deep holes of pain and yearning. to fill the gaping void left by the absence of an earthly father and a mother's love and acceptance. In the day's light, I can be the woman God has called me to be, I can be the mother who is present and selfless to her children, the wife who supports and adores her husband. But sometimes at night, my heart it yearns for a little more. "In the middle of the night, my heart it yearns.."

Sweeping Wind

When I sit at the end of my table...with the window open..I am perfectly positioned for the wind to sweep across me.

The wind gently flutters the curtains, the sunshine hits the floor, my feet sit flat on the hardwood floors...

Today is just a day when I need to feel the wind on my face. Somehow, i feel less alone and closer to my Father when the wind sweeps across me. I hear quiet whispers of his comfort and love in my ear as my hair is tossed back and forth by the warm spring wind. quiet whispers letting me know he IS with me. he hears my heart. he knows my thoughts..

After this long week of saying goodbyes, family strife, sleepless nights, and worry about my daughter...I have needed His presence in a tangible way. And for me, the wind blowing is that tangible way I can FEEL today.



"In the middle of the mess, there is majesty. In the middle of my chest, is the King of Kings. While the world (I)was waiting on, a change to come along, Light broke in..."
-"All this Glory" David Crowder Band.

"You revive me, Lord, and all my deserts are rivers of joy. You are the treasure, I could not afford. So I'll spend myself til I'm empty and poor. All for you, You revive me, Lord."
-"You revive me." - Christy Nockels

The Road to Recovery...

I am on the Road to Recovery. From 25 years of my past, my behaviors, my instincts, my walls, my self defense....my life as I knew it.

We are groomed and taught to protect ourselves. To not go out of your way too much. To not trust too much. To not be nieve. To not wear your heart on your sleeve, because someone might hurt you. Guard yourself. This is what the world teaches us.

Well we all know...someone will hurt us. Someone will take advantage of us. Someone will use us up.

But the Word says this...

John 15:13
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (NIV) "

You may wonder what this verse has to do with what I am talking about...well, it has everything to do with it. Laying down your life for someone else, is the greatest example of love. Laying down your life- well that just blows it all out of the water doesn't it? Every self protective instinct is destroyed! Everything in us wanting to give but not give too much...to love but not love too much...its really saying that we care more about protecting ourselves than going that extra mile. Than being willing to sacrifice everything WE love to be what someone ELSE needs.

So to end my babbling...I am on the Road to Recovery...on the Road to Love. Self denying, self sacrificing, self - forgotten love. Period.

A new day

Today was a new day.

Today I made a memory with my Mom..A memory that I will never forget.

...On this very hot August day, my Mom and I laughed and shared joy. Something so simple as us and the kids outside playing with the water hose, spraying each other until we were all soaked to the bone. And even in that moment of us running around and laughing...I felt my heart clenching..knowing what was taking place- a change in our relationship, a softening in our hearts.

Now I know this may sound so silly or dramatic...I mean, we were just playing outside with a water hose...but - I cannot tell you the last time I laughed and bonded with my Mom. The last time I felt close to her...but today in that moment...I felt something happen in our relationship that my childlike heart has longed for -for a very, very long time.

My list of Dreams..

A while back I wrote a blog about Job...specifically about the verse that says..."Job died old and full of days"...I want this to be what is said about me when I die...

That I died Old and Full of days
...that I didn't die full of dreams never fulfilled...
that I wasn't too afraid to attempt something knowing I may fail.

I mean, come on, I went to AFRICA last year...I traveled thousands of miles...fulfilling a dream I thought would not happen for MANY years...but it did...so maybe there are other dreams waiting to become reality. I don't know unless I try- that's for sure!

Of course there is always a small intimidating voice inside saying..."What if you Fail? What if your family, friends think you are crazy? What if you look like a fool?"

Well, this last Sunday at church I felt like God was whispering to me...something so simple but SO powerful....

..."Who told you that you can't???????????"

So that's all it took. I have had many ideas, dreams stirring in my heart for a while...but I have been afraid. But now I am determined to go for it!

So...here is My list...the start of it anyway...I will probably add to it :) This will include other things I want to do in my life...(in no specific order)

My List...
1. Learn to sew
2. Piano Lessons
3. Make more Jewelry
4. Create after I learn to sew(details to be shared later :)
5. Paint a picture
6. Photography Classes
7. Get a new, nice camera to use in my class and take more pictures
8. Go back to Africa
9. Travel in Europe
10. Sponsor a child from VOH
11. Buy Dan a new truck
12. Give a substantial gift to someone (in secret)
13. Become a board member for the Women's Center
14. Go to IHOP-KC
15. Take Yoga Classes
16. Be someone who inspires my children
17. Write a song
18. Do a 40 day fast (with no cheating)
19. See my Mom and Brothers saved
20. Skydive
21. hot air balloon ride
22. See a Broadway Show
23.


"Your playing small does not serve the World." :)

The promises made for me are tangible but not visible with the eye.
The redemption is so real I can taste it, but it cannot be fathomed by the mind.
The love that is so unconditional, that knows no bounds, keeps no score, no past wrongs, no way to be decreased or increased...it is not based on the world's standards...it is not changed by circumstances, feelings, or works...but it cannot be understood.
The blood that was shed for me (and you) was spilled out...so red and painful...so deep and pure..it has cleansed all that I am and all that I was...but the gap that was bridged from that sacrifice cannot be seen.