In the middle of the night

I AM a mother who loves her children with her whole heart. I AM a woman who has been saved by God's amazing Grace. I AM a wife who has been given more than her dreams come true. ...but I am also sometimes a child on the inside who longs for Father to love on me and fill the deep holes of pain and yearning. to fill the gaping void left by the absence of an earthly father and a mother's love and acceptance. In the day's light, I can be the woman God has called me to be, I can be the mother who is present and selfless to her children, the wife who supports and adores her husband. But sometimes at night, my heart it yearns for a little more. "In the middle of the night, my heart it yearns.."

Sweeping Wind

When I sit at the end of my table...with the window open..I am perfectly positioned for the wind to sweep across me.

The wind gently flutters the curtains, the sunshine hits the floor, my feet sit flat on the hardwood floors...

Today is just a day when I need to feel the wind on my face. Somehow, i feel less alone and closer to my Father when the wind sweeps across me. I hear quiet whispers of his comfort and love in my ear as my hair is tossed back and forth by the warm spring wind. quiet whispers letting me know he IS with me. he hears my heart. he knows my thoughts..

After this long week of saying goodbyes, family strife, sleepless nights, and worry about my daughter...I have needed His presence in a tangible way. And for me, the wind blowing is that tangible way I can FEEL today.



"In the middle of the mess, there is majesty. In the middle of my chest, is the King of Kings. While the world (I)was waiting on, a change to come along, Light broke in..."
-"All this Glory" David Crowder Band.

"You revive me, Lord, and all my deserts are rivers of joy. You are the treasure, I could not afford. So I'll spend myself til I'm empty and poor. All for you, You revive me, Lord."
-"You revive me." - Christy Nockels

The Road to Recovery...

I am on the Road to Recovery. From 25 years of my past, my behaviors, my instincts, my walls, my self defense....my life as I knew it.

We are groomed and taught to protect ourselves. To not go out of your way too much. To not trust too much. To not be nieve. To not wear your heart on your sleeve, because someone might hurt you. Guard yourself. This is what the world teaches us.

Well we all know...someone will hurt us. Someone will take advantage of us. Someone will use us up.

But the Word says this...

John 15:13
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. (NIV) "

You may wonder what this verse has to do with what I am talking about...well, it has everything to do with it. Laying down your life for someone else, is the greatest example of love. Laying down your life- well that just blows it all out of the water doesn't it? Every self protective instinct is destroyed! Everything in us wanting to give but not give too much...to love but not love too much...its really saying that we care more about protecting ourselves than going that extra mile. Than being willing to sacrifice everything WE love to be what someone ELSE needs.

So to end my babbling...I am on the Road to Recovery...on the Road to Love. Self denying, self sacrificing, self - forgotten love. Period.

A new day

Today was a new day.

Today I made a memory with my Mom..A memory that I will never forget.

...On this very hot August day, my Mom and I laughed and shared joy. Something so simple as us and the kids outside playing with the water hose, spraying each other until we were all soaked to the bone. And even in that moment of us running around and laughing...I felt my heart clenching..knowing what was taking place- a change in our relationship, a softening in our hearts.

Now I know this may sound so silly or dramatic...I mean, we were just playing outside with a water hose...but - I cannot tell you the last time I laughed and bonded with my Mom. The last time I felt close to her...but today in that moment...I felt something happen in our relationship that my childlike heart has longed for -for a very, very long time.

My list of Dreams..

A while back I wrote a blog about Job...specifically about the verse that says..."Job died old and full of days"...I want this to be what is said about me when I die...

That I died Old and Full of days
...that I didn't die full of dreams never fulfilled...
that I wasn't too afraid to attempt something knowing I may fail.

I mean, come on, I went to AFRICA last year...I traveled thousands of miles...fulfilling a dream I thought would not happen for MANY years...but it did...so maybe there are other dreams waiting to become reality. I don't know unless I try- that's for sure!

Of course there is always a small intimidating voice inside saying..."What if you Fail? What if your family, friends think you are crazy? What if you look like a fool?"

Well, this last Sunday at church I felt like God was whispering to me...something so simple but SO powerful....

..."Who told you that you can't???????????"

So that's all it took. I have had many ideas, dreams stirring in my heart for a while...but I have been afraid. But now I am determined to go for it!

So...here is My list...the start of it anyway...I will probably add to it :) This will include other things I want to do in my life...(in no specific order)

My List...
1. Learn to sew
2. Piano Lessons
3. Make more Jewelry
4. Create after I learn to sew(details to be shared later :)
5. Paint a picture
6. Photography Classes
7. Get a new, nice camera to use in my class and take more pictures
8. Go back to Africa
9. Travel in Europe
10. Sponsor a child from VOH
11. Buy Dan a new truck
12. Give a substantial gift to someone (in secret)
13. Become a board member for the Women's Center
14. Go to IHOP-KC
15. Take Yoga Classes
16. Be someone who inspires my children
17. Write a song
18. Do a 40 day fast (with no cheating)
19. See my Mom and Brothers saved
20. Skydive
21. hot air balloon ride
22. See a Broadway Show
23.


"Your playing small does not serve the World." :)

The promises made for me are tangible but not visible with the eye.
The redemption is so real I can taste it, but it cannot be fathomed by the mind.
The love that is so unconditional, that knows no bounds, keeps no score, no past wrongs, no way to be decreased or increased...it is not based on the world's standards...it is not changed by circumstances, feelings, or works...but it cannot be understood.
The blood that was shed for me (and you) was spilled out...so red and painful...so deep and pure..it has cleansed all that I am and all that I was...but the gap that was bridged from that sacrifice cannot be seen.

Restoration

Restoration...you bring Restoration...

I know that I have been restored. My children, my heritage that I will leave behind...is restored to God. But my family- my brothers, and my Mom have not been restored. (nor my dad). But my brothers have been heavy on my heart. I want them to know Jesus and to have wholeness and healing...but I also want there relationship to me restored. We are brothers and sister...family...we grew up together...we fought...we played...we broke rules...we laughed...we were family. But now we are strangers. We have chosen different lives..

I was at the prayer room Thursday evening for an hour...before I knew it was coming I found myself crying out and even yelling what was in my heart...a cry to God to restore my family to me. It was like an emotional vomit that happened before I even felt it coming on...like He searched me and knew what was in my heart even before I did. (which is not unlike Him.)
In the midst of my crying and yelling..I found myself clinging to and repeating--"You are a Restorer God! Only you can do it! Only YOU! YOU are the Restorer!"

So this Sunday morning at church, one of the first songs played was "Restoration" by David Brymer. I sensed that it was very appropriate for where many people were at this morning. But for me, in my heart...I felt like it was an acknowledgement that God heard my prayers, my hearts cry.

Later, they announced they would be doing baby dedications next Sunday morning..and I felt like God was telling me how when we dedicate our children- Lilly and Kaiden next week...it will be a physical picture of how he has Restored me, my heritage, and a new generation in my family.

Hallelujah, He makes all things new. He brings Restoration.

So sit back and take in the words of this song..."He takes our mourning and turns it into dancing...he takes our weeping and turns it into laughing...He takes my pain, he's called me by a new name, He's taken my shame, and in its place He's given me JOY."

And because of all this...I can have HOPE and peace about my family...because He IS a RESTORER!

Hallelujah, You make all things NEW!